Broken

I’m not quite sure where to begin…

I mentioned in my last post that I had to go to court with my ex regarding child support.  I feel quite broken after that experience.

It was the first time I’d ever felt like one of “those” baby mamas.  You know the ones – the ones after the money.  It’s very difficult to stand up in front of someone who literally judges your merits and decides who’s “right”.

This is why I have historically run away from feelings.  Because that shit hurts.  Yes, I will focus on the opportunities this challenge provides – eventually.

but right now, I’m just going to cry about it.

Everyone has their breaking point.  And when you feel like you’ve been made out to be a petty money-grubbing child appeaser vs the freaking awesome parent you strive to be – well, that’s mine.

People say things when they’re hurt.

And I may have said some things (or at least thought them really hard) about his eventual demise, and perhaps that I’d drop the $36,000 if I could just beat the shit out of him.  As of the time I’m typing this, that is my truth.

I want so much to have one of those “perfect” co-parenting situations.

Ok – maybe I just want to not feel like I want to throat punch him.  Or feel sorry for him.  It’s always one extreme or the other.  I have very little respect for him. And that’s sad.  What kind of example is that for my kids?

It’s not about the money, but it is about the money.

To me, the money represents broken dreams. Broken promises. Broken heart. And until a concerted effort is made to make good on that tangible thing, the broken really can’t mend. Maybe I won’t feel like that forever. In fact, I really hope not. But for now, that’s my truth.

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