Why?

I totally had a fangirl moment last night!  Mastin Kipp (of http://www.mastinkipp.com) replied to a comment I made on a video he posted.  Now granted, as I ruminate on it – it could have been someone else – a paid staffer, an intern, etc.  Then I realized – maybe that’s why my passions haven’t come to fruition… I allowed the negativity to break my trajectory.  When we allow our thoughts to break away from our purpose, we get off track.
I’m pretty sure I’ve been off track for years – but today!! Today I have the opportunity to steer back towards home.  Home meaning my universal purpose.  I’ve committed myself to write for at least 30 minutes every day.  That doesn’t sound like much, but with 7 people in the house, and a full time government job – let’s just say 30 minutes on facebook vs writing would probably be spent on mindless activities before…
I recognized (again) today as I filled out Mastin’s “Courageous Action Worksheet” and listened to him on YouTube, that it’s all stemming from a place of insecurity, fear, and self-consciousness.  I’m just now at 35 years old, starting to see myself as some sense of beautiful…  a messy kind of beautiful.  Like people who can throw their hair up into a bun and it looks great!
For years I’ve struggled with feelings of worthlessness.  I don’t necessarily have a key moment that I could pinpoint as “the start”.  I’m pretty sure it was (what feels like 100 years ago) around late Elementary school, maybe 6th grade…I’ve always been a “big-boned” girl, and I’m 99% sure that it was around that key time when I became aware that I didn’t look like the girls around me.  I’m sure there’s some psychological complex to define it, but basically, I didn’t feel like I fit in, like I was good enough.  I vaguely remember coming home one day and bawling to my father (probably some boy said something mean to me).  I don’t recall what he said or did – but I’m guessing it wasn’t necessarily what I needed – because there’s a memory gap… and I don’t remember feeling that insecurity before that, but definitely after.
It’s amazing how our parents guide our relationship choosing.  I’m a firm believer in that whole “girls marry someone like their father” stuff.  My first husband, well, he’s a whole other post… but D – is in many ways, just like my dad.  Especially when I see him interacting with my oldest daughter E.  Sometimes it’s like déjà vu.  Luckily, I’ve been able to address SOME of the issues I feel have haunted me into adulthood…  Some, have been passed on to E., but I’m hopeful that the karmic energy will be fulfilled before she has “one just like her”.  Which by the way, I will NEVER wish on any of my kids!  The pressure!!  The Curse!!
E. is my mini-me.   She’s built like me, she talks like me, she’s just a reincarnated fraction of my soul.  I’m at a point of my life that as I see her struggling with body-image, and self-esteem, that I’m striving to be the mother to her that I think I needed.  *sidenote – I believe in my heart that everyone does the best they can with the tools they have – so there’s no blame or fault to be laid* As we know better, we do better.  I learned from my childhood experience, and I can only apply that and try to do a little better with E.  Again – maybe that karmic energy will cease with her.  Wouldn’t that be awesome!!
Now my younger daughter S – she’s also a fraction of my soul – but the exact opposite of E.  She’s skinny as a rail, couldn’t care less about what other people think (which can be an issue when it comes to hygiene!!), and is happy being alone/not touched.  I’m looking forward to trying out homeschooling with her this summer.  She’s going to thrive in a self-paced environment where she can develop her own conclusions, and ask the hard questions.  Her creativity is amazing, and her ability to bring laughter into the world with her “punny” sense of humor is going to make people smile.
The baby – the boy – also an E. is just that – the baby.  He’s 5, and smart as a whip, but he’s a chunk.  He’s probably the size of a 7 year old… We’re looking into football, yes.  He’s super intuitive, he’s sensitive, and has so much empathy.  I’ll probably pull him out of public school soon as well – once I can financially afford to change my current schedule.  I don’t see him and S. getting along alone with schoolwork!
So, todays post is mostly some background, maybe a little bit of light into what makes be tick…  and why I am a beautiful mess.
Until next time –
~ABM

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